The Emotional Periodic Table

The mostly good folks in our psychology laboratory are assembling the long-awaited Emotional Periodic Table. It isn't done yet, but in a rare departure from the stringent standards at Whirled HeadQuarters, we have deemed this work so important that we releasing it in a developmental state and are welcoming input from sophisticated readers, if we have any, no offense intended. The following "feelings" will be arranged in bunch of boxes, just like the thing in chemistry class, with specific gravities and numbers and stuff like that assigned to each box. Enough already, you either get the idea or you don't. Comments and suggestions are welcome until Midnight, Greenwich.

Goofy	Annoying	Blissful	Weepy	Sick
Continental	Professional	Poser	Northeasterly	Chipper
Hysterical	Omniscient	Mellow	Pro Athlete	Phony
Corporate	Trembling	Prone	Patronizing	Postal
Certain	Campaigning	Foaming	Territorial	Loud
Ridiculous	Divine	Wrong	Militaristic	Staring

then there was one from Calvin Burgamy

Erratum

Our whiz-bang proofreaders have found an error in reportage as detailed herein. Staff is quite annoyed, yet still apologizes to our wide readership for the goof and is now mainly focused on finding someone to blame. 

The September 4, 2013 post announced, "Personal Flotation Device to be replaced by impersonal non-flotation sponge." This is not correct. Actually, the Personal Flotation Device, or "P.F.D." will be replaced by a Personal Flirtation Device. Therefore, the acronym PFD will remain in common usage forever. 

The old PFD was useful only to those in danger of drowning. The upgraded device will be of use to the many millions who never drown. 

The new PFD will apply the latest in flirtation technology, most notably the deployment of a holographic Third Eye that winks. 

Stay tuned for breaking news on who's to blame for the error. 
 

Canoe Poem #4

 

if all the while you stood and snored

thru cavalcades and drums

and stared the passing hours into

a steady background hum

then you might be missed

by all the gifts just waiting

to collide with you

should you come awake

snapped to, startled clear

then

do not exhort yourself, don't pause in reflection

stay  peeled

The time it takes to move from your mind to you

is an instant

the difference is not of kind or degree but dimension

it can only be extended by ignorance

don't think about it, it'll last longer that way

by Matt Rosenberger

 

Untitled

Untitled from Calvin Burgamy

A Big Day for Whirled HeadQuarters Headline News. 

Critical Facts Still Unconfirmed at Press Time!

Item: Supreme Court of Bermuda Shorts will hear suit over garment-activated penis reduction therapy.

Item: Personal Flotation Device to be replaced by impersonal non-flotation sponge.

Item: Voted least popular new beverage this year is The Water Bill, consisting of a glass of water, served chilled, with a frame-ready pay-now tab of Five Dollars.

Item: Jellyfish are in a jam.

Item: New Testament's red heifer deemed a red herring.

Item: The Homonym of the Year Award goes to holy, holey, wholly. Congratulations, words!

Item: Serge Piquerre, noted cineaste, pens scathing review of movie that doesn't exist: "March in Potato World."

Dr's office

on the shelf's upside
is the dr.'s hydrogen peroxide
which rhymes with peptide

on skin it is applied

working the worldwide

put it on the outside

then from the office stride

walking till it's dried

then go see your bride

careful not to collide

with a fast moving double wide

Canoe Poem #3

in the middle of the river the country kid stands on a rock

sipping a beer with the rapids curling around him

its 1999 and his hair is cut shock red

in between sips he tounges the new stud in his lip

he sticks his thumb in the bottle and launches his tattoos

into the pool below

its 1999 and some things never change

(row your boat, Mary Lee

Mary Lee, row your boat to me

and I'll dream you gently

upon my life

gently down the stream)

by Matt Rosenberger

Grizzled green warrior

emerges from the bush,

enters serene white hotel

under blue-on-blue sky.

Whirled HeadQuarters Elevator Pitch

Wow, man, it's weird we both wound up in the same elevator. You, the big deal god of creative writing, and me - the undiscovered genius. Are you, like, going to the top floor? What the hay, I'll ride with ya. And, wow, listen to this about my book. Unbelievable. It starts off where the young genius is riding the elevator with, like, the biggest dude in publishing, and they get into this conversation that is so completely profound, I mean, it not only jumps off the page, it changes your fucking life, you know what I mean? Anyhow, it blows the mind of the publishing dude so bad that he punches the emergency button so he can keep talking to the young genius! Cut to the chase: they take the elevator back down and get totally blissfully smashed and ultimately the book winds up with the Nobel Prize! For Literature!

Canoe Poem #2

fluid flux flummoxed

flat water found out and roiled

turned towards intuitive turmoil

tumescent turbulence tumbling over

eddy oh eddy oh eddy line o'mine

pine trees with poop on the roots

gap-toothed wonders skinnydipping

with menthol kools in clenched lips

hard chines, shoals tumblehomed

spooked trout about dusk

sounds something like this but

its got an indian name

and there's an arrow in my head

pointed upstream

drawn to aim by magnetic me

not quite the "real me"

always slightly to the light from the truth as I perceive it

by Matt Rosenberger 

Whirled HeadQuarters is closed for the day. We are not closed for any of the following reasons:

• For Repairs
• So you you may pardon our progress
• For inventory
• So we can figure out how to serve you better
• For staff training
• For the installation of new software
• National Guard Duty
• Taking a me day
• Rented out for a celebrity benefit
• Issue with the parole officer
• We were just elected President!

 We are closed because, well, just because. Not sure why, frankly. It just happened. We are trying to take a picture of it but we can't focus, and neither will it.

See you on Friday or Thursday.

Canoe Poem #1

on the river on a rock

this head turns

green trees sprout on my retina

down a bit

white water aerosols off my skin

at each and every moment

the universe is precisely arranged

to take you into account

every molecule, opinion

each quantum spurt of resistance and charm

calibrated to your presence

this moment rocks cuz you're aware of it

the others rock on

regardless in the river

by Matt Rosenberger

Structural Paint

Water

Colors

Bank Closes in Huffakers, NV.

The last bank in Huffakers, Nevada is finally closing after years of corruption, naked corporate greed, employee malfeasance and several brushes with bank auditors that resulted in mammoth fines and lengthy jail terms to the entire board of directors. Former teller and now acting-president Hart Akers announced, "We are exuberantly ambivalent that The Last of the Mohican Banks of Huffakers is closing. But rest assured that all non-monetized deposits of things like, say, cocoa beans, crank or Bitcoins will be converted into extremely valuable shares of our next great Huffakers community venture. Yes, you will be fully vested in our new Huff Acres Mobile Meth Amphibian Wranglers Ranch franchise opportunity!" Akers proceeded to gush willy nilly explaining the income opportunities for ground floor, nay, sub-basement entry. Quite a few of the bank depositors were decidedly un-ambivalent about the idea, demanding withdrawals of mucho actual dinero plus cocoa beans. Said Heck Tar, nearby resident of a nearby community in a nearby tax bracket, “Shut the fucking door man! It’s bad enough that you have to go the county prison to get a withdrawal and now they is closing? Why don’t they just kick me in the nuts with the stone hard miracle of compound interest? Again?”

Estate Sale

(Thank You, Veronica)

  

the estate sale hobby is one I never imagined –

at first try, it's just an excuse to cruise

cruise to the far corners of this new old town

and cruise into homes without homebodies

fun to cringe at baby blue shag carpeting shagging oak floors

or to smirk at the crappy taste that money lathers

into cramped hallways, sad bedrooms and giant attics

or to pause in awe at a slice of perfection and

cherish it now the way the recently departed cherished it then

and every now and then at an estate sale . . .

. . . a choice trophy fits home and budget and home it goes

to grace a new old room in our new old home

stud it with color, comfort, craft and curves

our new old home, built the year Mom was born

one century ago, and now – old estates live on here

in new ways, in new old time

by Jonathan Marcus, rocking in a chair of unknown provenance

Zone 1 Now a Priority Zone

After years of fussy, over-wrought, total domination landscaping campaigns, historic Oakland Cemetery in downtown Atlanta, Georgia, has been declared a Zone 1 Priority Zone, according to Erominel Loosflucker, Fulton County’s Deputy Redundancy Deputy, and will receive  major decompression and chaos enhancement therapy immediately. Said Loosflucker, "Sure the people here are dead, tell me something I don't know why doncha, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings. Not to mention the ghosts who are being driven mad by all this bogus visual rectitude. Plus all these straight clean lines reduce the creep factor here, and what's a cemetery if isn't a bit creepy? You might as well go to a mall, where the dead people are walking around. Now that's creepy!" Loosflooker admitted that he was digressing, and blamed it rather obviously on the general lack of disorganization.

Whirled HeadQuarters invites you to participate in any and all events in the forthcoming whirled premiere of The Zen Olympics. The events will take place in cosmic time and universal space. Each event will be commence in silence and will conclude with a palpable bong.

   The Zen Olympics

• Creek Sitting
• Sprawling
• Eyebrow Plucking
• Deleting Photos
• Wishful Thinking
• Cancelling Reservations
• Wading
• Loitering
• Bullshitting
• Breaking & Entering
• Spitting
• Breast Pumping
• Imitating
• Wondering
• Sweating
• Masticating
• Procrastinating
• Defensive Driving

News of the Week

Item: "Down with Communist Party!" Fateful words spoken by a Chinese man on the internet and before you could say, "Down with the Communist Party," the man was arrested, tried, and sentenced to two years hard labor in a "dot-commie" re-education center for uttering the awful truth. The man, Jiang Shihua, stated in court that what he really meant was, "The Communist Party GETS Down! I can see how someone might be confused, but the Party knows how to Par-tay, sho nuff". Shihua, a sexual intercourse instructor at Nanchong high school, had joined an online digital intercourse chat room when he wrote the fucking phrase. After his arrest and mandatory post arrest flogging by a member of the public safety collective, Nanchong schools were ordered in December to start a vigorous ideological de-programming/re-programming campaign for faculty and students alike, according to a surprisingly scantily clad school spokeswoman. The spokeswoman also stated, "I really do like the ideological de-programming /re-programming campaign. It helps to replace flawed cognition. Plus ideological de-programming /re-programming is so fun. You get to stand in the sun for weeks with hundreds of thousands of fellow citizens waving tremendous red flags and sing and chant great rhythmic ideological phrases like, 'citizen agricultural programs are planting cereal crops for a strong and vigorous nation to consume heartily on its predestined path towards gastro-intestinal dominance!' Would you like to hear another?"