The Angry Naturalist

The Angry Naturalist by Rob Boss

Rob Boss

Look at that punk ass bitch deer. Fuck. I’d like to shoot that punk ass bitch.

I wonder if any motherfucker is going to cut this fucking grass some time today. He shoulda been here yesterday. 
Whoa! Look at that up there! See that? It’s a flying punk ass bitch. Nuisance fouling the sky fowl. God. What’s it called now? Besides punk ass bitch. Oh, yeah, a Yellow-crowned Night-Heron. Jesus. Why is flying in the daytime?

And the tide's going out. What could be more shitty than that? Why does it have to go in and out? What's the point? What it is is ridiculous. 

I’m glad my kayak is broke or else I might be tempted to get out on the water and the sand gnats are out and they would suck the blood outa me and then I would start screaming again and then what’s the point of being out there if a billion sand gnats is going eat you alive during the golden hour? You don’t have to be a rocket fisherman to figure it out.

I was trying to start a fire last night. Using wood I find around the forest (so I don’t cut down any “trees”!) I’m out there like a goddamn tree hugger. Just chop something down if you need it. It’s not 3D calculus or etiquette or something complicated.  So anyhow. Where was I? Oh, yeah, i’m picking up wood and then trying to burn a bunch of damn wet rotten “wood” and it won’t catch so I pour some gas I siphon out of the neighbor's three wheeler it and the “whoom!” that sumbitch lit up then. Hell yeah. That's nature right there. WHOOM.

Plus it’s filthy out there. Everyone knows that’s where all the dirt is. Piles of dirt everywhere. Just because you call it a mountain doesn’t mean it’s not dirty. Because it is dirty. You know why? It’s dirty because it’s DIRT, that’s why. Jesus!

Ecology is disgusting because it includes rats and fleas and mosquitos and roaches and hyenas. Lemme tellya something, hyenas aren’t laughing. They can eat all the meat off your leg in one maniacal screaming mouthful, and they don’t even feel bad about it. Hell, they feel good about it, and that’s why they’ll eat the meat off your other leg before they’ve swallowed your first leg. I hate them. But still, I could forgive ecology if it’s some divine system of perfectly integrated “we’re all in it together” special-beings-of-the-biosphere-wonderland with one little horrible maniacal exception known as the hyena. But no. I got one word for ya: deer flies. They’re like really small hyenas that devour teeny tiny goblets of your blood while they sting the shit of you plus they can fly. I got another word for ya: rats. The problem with rats is, besides that they eat babies alive and then puke them all over your expensive trophy carpet, is that they’re smarter than you are. That’s why you can’t get rid of them. Because they’re smarter. Any you know it. You know you are not the pinnacle of evolution with your miraculous bullshit consciousness. Rats are the pinnacle, and it’s our job to leave little crumbs of food all over the place so they can stay up all night in your house eating for free. While you have to work for it. That reminds me of one more word: fleas. Fleas are smarter than rats. Fleas make rats give them free transportation into your house so they can do what deer flies do to you, only more, because their active season is 24/7/365/forever. But compared to hyenas, rats, and fleas, roaches are like little angels from heaven. They don’t suck your blood. They run away from you and hide under your baseboards or piles of your crap if you’re a normal failed person with piles of crap all over the place, and you know it’s not worth gingerly lifting a pile of crap to chase a roach because a pile of crap takes two hands and if you’re holding a pile of crap, how effective are you really going to be chasing a roach? Do you really think you’re going to squash a zig-zagging roach with your moccasins while clutching a pile of crap?