Drop-dead gorgeous weather kills 12 in Polenta, Paraguay. In the southern hemisphere today, beyond the purview of major news organizations, utterly perfect weather conditions conspired to infuse the masses with “energy bursts, blinding giddiness, and total loss of life preserving cognition,” according to El Jefe de Generalissimo grande Raul "el guapo" Zorroto of Paraguay. “The mild temperature, the low humidity, sweet limpid sunshine – everything was perfect. Somebody has to pay.” Children and the elderly lost all resistance to the ideal conditions and tended to run out into the street without looking carefully both ways, where they were immediately squished to death by drivers gleefully trebling the posted speed limits.

Google Buys Web Publishing Tool Blogger. New name to be either Boogle, Glogger, GerGlo, GleBoo or Snot.

Delmar Schwartz attempts to find word in dictionary. Doesn’t know what it is. Fails miserably. “It's why I hate the dictionary,” Schwartz bitched.

Rich people have spaghetti-o's for dinner while pet pugs lick each other's asses. According the baby sitter, Babs Knox, Horace and Delores Rockefeller could have had anything in the world for dinner: fresh lobster flown in from lobsterland; caviar from caviarland or some really good smelly cheese from France. But no, Horace and Delores just opened up a can of crap that their babysitter wouldn't touch even if you paid her. And yes, while the rich people were eating this crap out of a can, their pet pugs licked each other's asses.

Free electrons thing of past. Physical physicists, as opposed to mere theoretical physicists, have determined that what’s "fucking everything up" is that we have enslaved too many electrons. “Before Edison, electrons could zip around from atom to atom, according to their supernal preferences,” propounded Clik Munderheim of Cal Tech. “But now, quizillions of electrons are stuck in chip circuits, beef fat and marital aides, such as the Hitachi 500 Bull Jackrabbit. It’s just so sad. Isn't it?” Munderheim explained that a new tax on electrons would fund a program to pay for free electrons. He thinks this would really un-fuck things up.

President’s daughter caught masticating in public. Jenna Bush, who could have gone anywhere in the world on her spring break from Yale, chose to stay on campus, drink beer and chew with her mouth open. Observers, who wish to remain unnamed because Jenna’s daddy is dictator of the free world, indicated that the younger Bush particularly resembled the President when stuffing her face with French Fries and foie gras and playing “Show and Tell” with the Secret Service agents hovering in the shadows.

the laws of thermodynamics, applied:

first law: energy can’t sit still
second law: free time is somebody else's work
third law: it’s cool to make heat
objective conclusion: energy can’t be lost or found
subjective conclusion: yes it can
corollary: it stings a little

hot stuff becomes cold stuff quickly
inside space there is a molten chamber
and a one time
one word
one pass word to enter
it is recognized
or re-codified
in the heat of the moment

where does heat go?
heat lost on pluto
pauses briefly in your kitchen
to fry your onions
your sweet chipolte peppers
on the front left burner
before continuing on its way
to expand a universe
just dying to cool down

friction
fiction
cold hard facts
hot romance novels
life is like an ocean
icebergs and thermal vents
might sting a little
and sharpen the senses

. . . the laws of thermodynamics, applied


by the boy poets riding thermals

Small things have a disproportionately large effect, according to government study. “Small things affect big things a lot more than big things affect the small. Or is that effect?” inquired Dr. Bruno Yasski of NASA. “For example, mountain ranges,” gesticulated the nervous Yasski. “Mountain ranges, which are pretty damn big, rarely shut down the international banking system, but computer chips often do. And those chips are quite small,” spluttered Yasski.

This just in from our literary criticism department: The good thing about fiction is it's a lot more believeable than the alternative.

Accountant disturbed by expanding universe. No other details available at press time.

Cat claims ninth area of man's home exclusively hers for napping. Bijou, a prominent Atlanta, Georgia cat, in the home she shares with Moe Nuffy, a human being, today laid claim to the green wool blanket atop the northernmost cushion on the living room sofa. Bijou staked out the area at 6:13 P.M. today and remained ensconced there throughout the eveing, impervious to the carefully reasoned arguments by Nuffy that he was left with only three sitting areas in the household--none of them cushioned, compared to nine for Bijou--all of them cushioned. At long last, growing weary of Nuffy's repetitious whining, Bijou stated flatly that the ratio of seating area distribution obviously and accurately reflected the respective hours of sleep logged daily by the two members of the household.

High Alert: Department of Homeland Security declares that most people employed by the US government are "High". States Tom Ridge, Secretary of the Dept of Homeland Security, "About 12 people in the CDC in Atlanta ( CDC employee, Chief of Toxicology, Biff Glenn, in photo on left uses beaker-bong to get "High" ) lit a sizable "bong" in the beaker washer room and that was enough to put the total number of government employees who are "High" over 50%. I think the alert color for "High" is orange or red-orange, isn't it? Very pretty and look at the trails!"

Man fabricates diary. In a tortured rush of quasi-coherent prose, Herman Thurman of Thick Thistle, New York, lost his firm grip on what is commonly accepted as the "Truthful Diary Principles," in which the diarist limits entries to stuff that actually happened: not a difficult concept to comprehend. "I got over-excited because I was so close to the end of volume 5," stammered Thurman, "but nothing had happened to me in 122 days. My whole life was was stuck like a frozen corpsicle so, yeah, I panicked. I thought if I could just get to Volume 6, maybe things would loosen up and flow for me." Thurman filled the last 21 pages of Volume 5 in a frenetic script detailing how, in November, he made love to all the spokesmodels at the Huffakers, NV Locomotive Trade Show and then in December he gave away, in a mad phit of philanthropy, 60 billion Euro dollars to needy children in the Fiji Islands and then because the weather was nice, went scuba diving 1500 feet down into the Marianna trench and wrestled with a ghostly pale deep water shark but let it go in an act of pure love; and finally how, just yesterday, how he, one Herman Thurman, single-handedly engineered the bankruptcy of Microsoft and drove Bill Gates into an ocean of quicksand and utter madness.

The Daily Forecast South of the 40th parallel, from noon to nine: propitious if not downright encouraging for outdoor oboe concerts. Fortunately, one was scheduled because of the snappy forecast and on a lawn somewhere in the region citizens were regaled -- the “interesting” sounds of a single oboe’s plaintive and haunting cry deeply stirring the memory centers of the brain and causing, simultaneously, deep expressions of love and bitter recriminations throughout South of the 40th parallel .

John Asscroft, General Attorney of NUSA (New United States of Amurica), unilaterally deploys revered early American anti-terrorism methodology. "I am going to revive the The Witch Trial," announced the murder-loving Kompletely Kracked Khristian flourishing a rare grin and a fistful of extra-long old-fashioned lamplighter style matches from the 1943 Sears catalogue. "I believe in the power of hot flames to lead us to honesty in America. Only wine inspires greater candor, but drinking is immoral. And besides, the smell of burning sin is a lot more rectifying than a coupla brewzinskis."

Powell Declares Vial of Simulated Sperm to be "Evil": Holding the opaque milky substance aloft in front of an eagerly revulsed world, Colin Powell explained archly, "We got it from swabbing down the insides of those shiny spent aluminum tubes we found outside Baghdad. I mean, just use your imagination...you gettin' it?...you see now?...that's right. That's just evil. Pure axis o' evil." When pressed, Powell admitted that the disgusting vial contained only a "simulation" of the (axis o') evil sperm, not the (axis o') evil sperm itself, but noted, before winking out in a deliquesced puff of degaussed ions, that he, himself, personally was not "actually" here at all.

The world report today. A synopsis: Cheese, a slight chalky taste in my mouth, terror, fizz, hubris, the dali llama, felching (or is it phelching?), leotards, crunchy stuff, Brigadoon, bad haberdashery, the word "puff", the Clovis site, meatballs, rattatooie.

I just walked assfirst into headstral projectile.

I just walked headfirst into an asstral projection.

The world report today. A synopsis: Fire, death, weather, sex, remorse, futility, rue, smig hupness, denial, appreciation, beauty, giddiness, Cape Horn, sleaze, markets barking, puffed upedness.