Man fabricates diary. In a tortured rush of quasi-coherent prose, Herman Thurman of Thick Thistle, New York, lost his firm grip on what is commonly accepted as the "Truthful Diary Principles," in which the diarist limits entries to stuff that actually happened: not a difficult concept to comprehend. "I got over-excited because I was so close to the end of volume 5," stammered Thurman, "but nothing had happened to me in 122 days. My whole life was was stuck like a frozen corpsicle so, yeah, I panicked. I thought if I could just get to Volume 6, maybe things would loosen up and flow for me." Thurman filled the last 21 pages of Volume 5 in a frenetic script detailing how, in November, he made love to all the spokesmodels at the Huffakers, NV Locomotive Trade Show and then in December he gave away, in a mad phit of philanthropy, 60 billion Euro dollars to needy children in the Fiji Islands and then because the weather was nice, went scuba diving 1500 feet down into the Marianna trench and wrestled with a ghostly pale deep water shark but let it go in an act of pure love; and finally how, just yesterday, how he, one Herman Thurman, single-handedly engineered the bankruptcy of Microsoft and drove Bill Gates into an ocean of quicksand and utter madness.

The Daily Forecast South of the 40th parallel, from noon to nine: propitious if not downright encouraging for outdoor oboe concerts. Fortunately, one was scheduled because of the snappy forecast and on a lawn somewhere in the region citizens were regaled -- the “interesting” sounds of a single oboe’s plaintive and haunting cry deeply stirring the memory centers of the brain and causing, simultaneously, deep expressions of love and bitter recriminations throughout South of the 40th parallel .

John Asscroft, General Attorney of NUSA (New United States of Amurica), unilaterally deploys revered early American anti-terrorism methodology. "I am going to revive the The Witch Trial," announced the murder-loving Kompletely Kracked Khristian flourishing a rare grin and a fistful of extra-long old-fashioned lamplighter style matches from the 1943 Sears catalogue. "I believe in the power of hot flames to lead us to honesty in America. Only wine inspires greater candor, but drinking is immoral. And besides, the smell of burning sin is a lot more rectifying than a coupla brewzinskis."

Powell Declares Vial of Simulated Sperm to be "Evil": Holding the opaque milky substance aloft in front of an eagerly revulsed world, Colin Powell explained archly, "We got it from swabbing down the insides of those shiny spent aluminum tubes we found outside Baghdad. I mean, just use your imagination...you gettin' it?...you see now?...that's right. That's just evil. Pure axis o' evil." When pressed, Powell admitted that the disgusting vial contained only a "simulation" of the (axis o') evil sperm, not the (axis o') evil sperm itself, but noted, before winking out in a deliquesced puff of degaussed ions, that he, himself, personally was not "actually" here at all.

The world report today. A synopsis: Cheese, a slight chalky taste in my mouth, terror, fizz, hubris, the dali llama, felching (or is it phelching?), leotards, crunchy stuff, Brigadoon, bad haberdashery, the word "puff", the Clovis site, meatballs, rattatooie.

I just walked assfirst into headstral projectile.

I just walked headfirst into an asstral projection.

The world report today. A synopsis: Fire, death, weather, sex, remorse, futility, rue, smig hupness, denial, appreciation, beauty, giddiness, Cape Horn, sleaze, markets barking, puffed upedness.

Notes From Mulligan’s Bar The Night Jason Left
Us For DisneyWorld

don’t go there
the whole idea is
way too goofy
they make you wear
the big Mickey head,
don't they?

four in the corner pocket
off the seven ball
yes its an impossible shot
a fantasy

are we stripes or solids?
never mind
we’re all stripes, all solids

we can talk about the Magic Kingdom
and the weather in central Florida
or we can talk about
something solid
or striped

may I remind you:
if you have to ask
what’s in a fried twinkie
you never ate
a hot greasy twinkie

the best billiards
is a torrent
of angles eyeballed and
submitted to physical law
sent back as audible thunks of truth:
corner pockets, beer, women,
sticks, cues, chalk
and vodka martinis

this is a three cushion shot if
you’ve got the power
the liquid
billiard ball juice power

we’re not stripes
we’re not solids
we’re the color
of a deep blue sky

we will never visit
Mickey Mouse
unless his head is ablaze
with holy fire

I don’t care if I’m crazy as hell
just listen

or do what I say