Notebook

Excerpt from my art project: Project Impulse from Calvin Burgamy on Vimeo.

Discontinued IKEA Items (with self-assembly instructions)

The Möbius Remsa Soffa

Assembly Instructions

1.     Lay out 67 looped sock-like bags as shown in A-17.

2.     Floiling (G) must be inverse to Tally (Z).

3.     Use Jektor pry tool (T#3) to inject filling (#199) in each sealed tube.

4.     Connect Small Time Delay Rotor (9) to Stiff Nipple (SN).

5.     Depress Small Time Delay Rotor (9).

6.     Hold Tab AL (Tab AL). Check for leaks.

7.     Release Small Time Delay Rotor (9).

8.     Tighten all 67 Äkremæ fasteners with Äkremæ fastener widget (W).

9.     Depress Small Time Delay Rotor (9) again. Take at least three steps away from the Möbius Remsa Soffa assembly.

10.  Mobius tubes should now inflate and interlock and form shape as shown in Schematic 1-A-1.

11.  Test with 300 KG lead pipe (L3205) prior to assuming a seated position on your new Möbius Remsa Soffa.

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IKEA Item# 333, Santa Fe Collection: “Mesa Tres Patas”. Description: a lovely and functional addition to any living room, particularly for you “stay at home” types. Lifetime Warranty.

Self-Assembly instructions:

1 - remove the rectangular pine laminate table top (“mesa”) from packaging and place upside down on floor. Make sure the circular hole in each corner is clean and unobstructed.

2 - remove first leg (“pata”), and insert one end into a  hole in the mesa top. Any old hole!

3 - stand up, next to the vertically secured pata/leg. Do not lean one way or the other (remain perfectly balanced) and let the middle knuckles of one hand graze the upstanding pata. Make a mark on the pata where the pata touches the knuckle. Use a #2 pencil.

4 - using an electric or manual saw, remove the top of the pata/leg right at your mark. Make sure its a level cut!

5 - remove the two remaining patas from packaging and lay on floor next to one another.

6 - place the original pata that you have cut to size next to the two remaining patas.

7 - mark the two remaining patas with the #2 pencil at the length of the cut pata.

8 - using a circular or manual saw, cut the remaining patas to match. When done, you should have three (“tres”) patas of equal length, side by side.

9 - insert all tres/three of the patas/legs into the holes in the mesa/table. Any old holes!

10 - flip table right set up, all three patas touching the floor. Stand next to the remaining hole in the mesa, the one without a pata.

11 - holding the weight of the mesa in one hand, insert the middle finger of the other hand into the hole in the mesa. The only hole! Make a fist.

12 - stand up, perfectly balanced. The mesa\table should be perfectly level. Congratulations and enjoy!

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Säber R⛢: Iconic Glaphnat Splegs for every house.

EZ Installation:

1. Release the mechanism
2. Transmute OR Transmogrify the Whipclip mechanism
3. Flip the oval rasteur to 20 degrees right
4. Insert the Glaphnat Splegs
5. Please recycle the outer Klępper
6. Say I’m Sorry. Done!
7. When you need a Spleg, you’ll know it. And so will we.

best time machine

the algonquin troubador temp-o-glide xl

spit polished chrome airfoil time machine

flyze better in the night sky

time is more fluid in the dark

easier to penetrate

like a tuning fork through alphabet soup

or a double edged sword

through a spelling bee

shadows hold moments

like leaves in a duane eddy

the nighttime time machine

surfs forth on a black wave

riding the ticktock froth

fluttering like a midnite moth

the rhythmic pattern

of chronological flotsam

antediluvian jetsam

time curls and breaks

spilling events

here and there

and forth

and back

and fifth and fourth

the shiny chrome time machine

surfs on the future

gliding through pipe dreams

and every thing that is to come

sailing into the past

never here, never now

riding the wake

of lucid dreamers

To Whom It May or Probably Won’t Concern:

Sirs or Madams or Trinaries:

What an honor it has been to serve as a humble bolt in this vast, wonderful web of nuts, both people and humans, that is the Greater Huffakers Chevron Algonquin Troubador Assembly Plant here in Greater Huffakers, Nevada. With a modicum of skill and ingenuity and timely gratuities, anyone could hardly not fail because of the support one receives here where phosfluorescently incentivized integrated e-commerce happens everyday. As we say, as long as the present glows in the dark, the future will always be most dim!

So, in keeping with the traditions here at the Greater Huffakers Chevron Algonquin Troubador Assembly Plant of Greater Huffakers, Nevada, I would like to commit to a level of interpersonal reciprocity and a pure no nonsense nose to the grindstone kinda personal individualized effort each and every day to attain the maximum efficiency needed to produce a whizz-bang-kiss-my-fuckin-ass automobile worthy of it’s own opera named Chevron Algonquin Troubador Deluxe Supreme So Help Me Jesus.

It is only here one can monotonectally orchestrate business relationships and completely enable seamless niche markets. I commit to uniquely engage scalable partnerships and seamlessly formulate fungible testing procedures no matter what so help me fucking god!

Rob Boss, Angry Naturalist

Whirled HQ proudly announces we have hired  a new writer for our award winning triple accurate gold star rated blog: Rob Boss, The Angry Naturalist. Rob Boss will be a regular feature at Whirled Headquarters. We look forward to his pointed, sometimes painful musing on the nature of nature. Check it out here.

@ DooGallery, 205 Holtzclaw Street SE, Atlanta, Ga 30316

Friday, December 4, 8:30pm

The Whirled Headquarters first

post-Magna Carta performance

Whirled HeadQuarters:

"The first hundred years are the hardest."

-------------------------

Please join us for another live performance complete with videos, poetry, comedy, and music and maybe even hula hooping with Hoopy. It's like NPR, without the radio but with all the requisite goofiness you expect from NPR. The high spirited show will last about an hour. Then everyone will be invited to stay longer, and will.

It's free. Bring your thirst. Maybe a donation to help with things.

Stand Out Technical Support 24/7

Pat Terson, 24/7 technical support for Huffakers Anachronon, LTD has been providing high grade customer support for over 22 years to whoever (or is it whomever?)  happens to call. Always willing to help and able to make the customer feel at ease, Pat Terson is the quintessential support person for  Huffakers Anachronous. H.A. is a forward-looking company that invests in ambient management time-phases.  H.A. believes they   should become uber-efficient with their balanced digital innovation. Their exploratory research points to homogenised logistical programming and Pat Terson is leading the way in the field. He believes H.A.'s  exploratory research points to regenerated logistical alignment. And who could blame him. Well done, Pat Terson!

Moss Penny

Moss Penny by Calvin Burgamy

Car Wash 3

by Calvin Burgamy

Shadow Cat with Hank Williams by Calvin Burgamy

See Prize Below

All You Have To Do Is - - -

Sort These Statements by Solemnity:

Just because you’re #5 doesn’t mean you’re not in the Top Five.

How long does it take to perceive a room?

Mathematicians go round and round because circles don’t exist outside the mind.

Quick Question: What can I bling to your party for me?

Information is rampant, but the ability to process information is rare.

Watch time. However minute our daze.

A stoic cannot shop for vegetables until he understands that he will soon die.

We are now funding a double blind study of shit that will never happen.

We need a ton of strings for a theory.

Congress mirrors your mind.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

A homonym is a word that sounds the same but is spelled differently, so a heteronym must be a word that is spelled the same but sounds differently.

The winner gets a year of free advice!

Thanks for your prompt submittal.

Dots

by Jonathan Marcus

The ad says industrial painting. I’ve never really painted, industrially or not. But I can hold a paintbrush as well as the next guy, right? Anybody can paint, right? The industrial part I’ll figure out. The ad says show up at the jobsite.

     The jobsite is a chain link fence. Inside the fence sits a water tower, and a guy on the hood of a Ford pickup. 

“Here for the job?”

“Yup.”

“Ever painted a water tower?”

I look up at all that metal in the sky and try to hide the fear. The thing is really big. “I know how to paint,” I lie to him.

“Where’s your last job?”

“Florida.”

This satisfies him. Then he says, “You climb a water tower?”

“Sure.” I lie again, and look at him like what idiot hasn’t climbed a water tower.

“Show me,” he says.

My head flies up to see where the top of it is, face going white, but I march right over to the monstrosity like I’m Mr. Watertower and grab the first steel rung like I own the thing. Start climbing like it’s easy. And, wow, it is easy, and I grab one rung after the next and get into the rhythm of ascending. It is easy. I can do this. Heck, I can probably do this with a paintbrush in hand. Nice day, too. I look up and the thing hides the sky like it’s a second moon aimed at my head. Shit. Scary. But I keep climbing. Then I look down. Way down. Shit. I can’t do this. I can’t keep climbing. I could die. If I slip or stumble, I will die and won’t even have enough time for life to flash before my eyes before splatting. Hands start sweating.  Harder to grab these rungs with damp hands. Am I halfway yet? I keep climbing because if I stop it will be worse. And if I do stop, what happens? Are they going to send a helicopter to rescue some chickenshit college hippie from a water tower? I keep climbing. I hate the entire water tower. Way above the treetops now. Keep climbing and glancing out there without looking down and keep climbing some more. Then, finally, a few more rungs, and I make it to the platform and, wow, it’s great up here. Amazing, actually. I love standing up here. Strolling on the platform is a luxury and gazing into the beyond is thrilling. Where’s the city? Atlanta is just a few buildings, a little midget place, lost in an endless forest. Maybe I could get a job up here . . .

But the guy never calls me back and anyway a few days later there’s an ad for welder. I figure I can weld as well as the next guy, or at least as well as the next guy who has never welded. So I call the number. And the guy says, “Can you weld?” And I let him know that if I didn’t know how to weld, why would I be calling? So he says “Come on in on Thursday at lunchtime.”

Why did I tell the guy I can weld? How did I get into a jam like this? I don’t even know a welder. All I know is it melts metal to metal and you have to wear a funny helmet with a dark slot of window in it. Then I remember, yeah, do I know a welder, an artist at Atlanta College of Art. Her name is Wendy Shulman and she’s Jewish so I figure it’s okay to call her up, as if it’s written in The Talmud that Jews must teach each other to weld.

by Jonathan Marcus