CARWASH 2 from Calvin Burgamy

Pole Narrowly Misses Man's Anus

Pole Just Misses Anus

Private Rinkle Jenks of Fort Blaine, Nebraska, barely averted disaster when a pole rapidly shot out of the ground and narrowly missed shooting up his anus. Private Jenks says he was standing outside at "parade rest" when the incident occurred. What is "parade rest" you may ask? Parade rest is a military command given only when the person is at Attention. The command for this movement is Parade, REST. On the command of execution REST, move the left foot about 10 inches to the left of the right foot. Keep the legs straight without locking the knees, resting the weight of the body equally on the heels and balls of the feet. Simultaneously, place the hands at the small of the back and centered on the belt. Keep the fingers of both hands extended and joined, interlocking the thumbs so that the palm of the right hand is outward. Keep the head and eyes as in the position of attention. Remain silent and do not move unless otherwise directed. Stand at ease, at ease, and rest may be executed from this position.
So as you can see Jenks, for all intents and purposes, already had a pole up his ass to begin with and another pole could have had horrific consequences. "Yeah, I know", said Jenks. "Whew. That would have caused a considerable amount of pain." There has been no word on where or why the pole appeared, it just did.

French Fried Look Increases Sales at Tarjay

Microfiber resemblance to french fries boosts sales astronomically at Tarjay. The big box store "Tarjay's" research department has discovered that sales of many items are increased by making items look like french fries. Take, for instance, the pictured chenille wash mitt. Prior to making the mitt look like french fries sales were stagnant. Tarjay was only moving 400,000 units a day. After the new look the microfiber chenille wash mitt is selling well over 2,000,000 mitts per day.  The net result of the uptick in sales is an increase in jobs at the Chin Chin Re-Education Mass Labor Camp for Recalcitrant Communist Party Lackies. Soon to be marketed at Tarjay is the french fry shaped men's underwear and the french fry shaped sunglasses.

Speed Humm

Speed Humm by Calvin Burgamy

A Cure for Hinky Fever Virus

Jazon Quomasio with Anti-Hinky Fever Virus "Cure"

Jazon Quomasio of James Hopkins Research Lab in Huffakers, NV shows his delight and amazement at having discovered a cure for Hinky Fever Virus. Hinky Fever has been plaguing millions of people daily in the course of their boring and meaningless lives. Throughout the day, at any given time, a person could get "hinky" if they perceive a slight or distaste for a fellow humans attitude or actions. It can be a cause of discomfort for the person getting "hinky" and the person giving "hinky" as the person giving "hinky" is likely to say "Are you getting 'hinky' on me?" and of course this banal exchange could go on for several minutes. Multiply this by 6 billion and you can see the negative effects of the Hinky Fever over the course of a day, week, month, year, ad nauseum.  Jason Quomasio will either get the Noble Prize or be quietly led out to pasture. It hasn't been determined whether removal of the Hinky Virus will help or hurt the species as of yet as some have speculated the everyday level of hinkiness is a kind of glue that holds us all together. Other scientists refute this as another form of the Hinky Virus itself. 

World slants to the left but just a little bit

World slants to the left but just a little bit
by Calvin Burgamy

It Does Nothing

click on picture for more detail

Recent vacationers, Tim & Marva Klanghorn, noticed the bathroom shower instructions at Gulf Springs Eternal Motel as being both informative as well as useful with effective, pointed, and crystal clear instructions on the use of the shower hardware.  "Don't Touch",  "Leave as it. It does nothing." And also the barbed cautionary review of one of Home Depot's staple bathroom accoutrements by  Glacier Bay: "Never buy a Glacier Bay set from Home Depot! Thank you!" A stern contraindication against the use of a device the owners found wanting. Of course Gulf Springs Eternal Motel owners could have returned the item to Home Depot and received another brand in return but they chose the route of consumer activism which may in the long run cause Home Depot and Glacier Bay to reconsider the quality of their merchandise. Hip, Hip!

The Last Telegram

Waking up. STOP.

Putting on slippers. STOP.

Making coffee. STOP.

Looking for newspaper. STOP.

Found newspaper. STOP.

Drinking coffee. STOP.

Head hurts. STOP.

Head really hurts. STOP.

Trouble breathing. STOP.

Where is Heimlich? STOP.

Feeling better. STOP.

Call off Heimlich. STOP.

Two eggs over medium. STOP.

That’s better. STOP.

Turning on TV. STOP.

Oh, fuck! STOP.

Head hurts. STOP.

Stop. STOP.

Turning off TV. STOP.

That’s better. STOP.

Going for walk. STOP.

Love the weather. STOP.

Write if you get work. STOP.

The World Just Below

The World Just Below by Calvin Burgamy

an american tragedy (from the headlines)

over 100 patients potentially infected 

obama counters violent extremists 

with extremists

giuliani: obama doesn't love america 

vanilla ice released from custody

bruins reach new rock bottom

another star in the solar system 

when humans first spread from africa
space to grow

the end of the magna carta impulse problem or magnageddon

the magna carta, baby
blowing the lid off
the divine right of kings
the way magma 
blows the head off a volcano
act on the artistic impulse
impulsively
fastly quickly
just make something up
shoot the moving target
from the hip
but there was a problem
we shoulda looked at the map
first
the end of the world 
could be a lot of fun 
if you would just let it
let it happen

Dasani DissClaimer verbatim from Coca Cola

Dasani Dissclaimer from Calvin Burgamy 

In the Know

now i am an expert

a cognoscente connoiseur

a smooth sommelier

i have tasted wines

in california

i liked all of them

Tera Walks Away by Calvin Burgamy

A Few New Words

Styloon: Upset because women spend so much on clothes and you just want to see them naked, plus you could use the money.

Birfrite: The problem of having parents.

Flossofy: When the only thing you believe in is oral hygeiene.

Decreamate: Threatening strangers that you're gonna cut em outa your will.

Dainjel: A patron satan.

Noquant: Measuring stuff that can't be measured, like cheeses and haiku.

Dollnar: Making up new words instead of making money.