CARWASH 2 from Calvin Burgamy

Pole Narrowly Misses Man's Anus

Pole Just Misses Anus

Private Rinkle Jenks of Fort Blaine, Nebraska, barely averted disaster when a pole rapidly shot out of the ground and narrowly missed shooting up his anus. Private Jenks says he was standing outside at "parade rest" when the incident occurred. What is "parade rest" you may ask? Parade rest is a military command given only when the person is at Attention. The command for this movement is Parade, REST. On the command of execution REST, move the left foot about 10 inches to the left of the right foot. Keep the legs straight without locking the knees, resting the weight of the body equally on the heels and balls of the feet. Simultaneously, place the hands at the small of the back and centered on the belt. Keep the fingers of both hands extended and joined, interlocking the thumbs so that the palm of the right hand is outward. Keep the head and eyes as in the position of attention. Remain silent and do not move unless otherwise directed. Stand at ease, at ease, and rest may be executed from this position.
So as you can see Jenks, for all intents and purposes, already had a pole up his ass to begin with and another pole could have had horrific consequences. "Yeah, I know", said Jenks. "Whew. That would have caused a considerable amount of pain." There has been no word on where or why the pole appeared, it just did.

French Fried Look Increases Sales at Tarjay

Microfiber resemblance to french fries boosts sales astronomically at Tarjay. The big box store "Tarjay's" research department has discovered that sales of many items are increased by making items look like french fries. Take, for instance, the pictured chenille wash mitt. Prior to making the mitt look like french fries sales were stagnant. Tarjay was only moving 400,000 units a day. After the new look the microfiber chenille wash mitt is selling well over 2,000,000 mitts per day.  The net result of the uptick in sales is an increase in jobs at the Chin Chin Re-Education Mass Labor Camp for Recalcitrant Communist Party Lackies. Soon to be marketed at Tarjay is the french fry shaped men's underwear and the french fry shaped sunglasses.

Speed Humm

Speed Humm by Calvin Burgamy

A Cure for Hinky Fever Virus

Jazon Quomasio with Anti-Hinky Fever Virus "Cure"

Jazon Quomasio of James Hopkins Research Lab in Huffakers, NV shows his delight and amazement at having discovered a cure for Hinky Fever Virus. Hinky Fever has been plaguing millions of people daily in the course of their boring and meaningless lives. Throughout the day, at any given time, a person could get "hinky" if they perceive a slight or distaste for a fellow humans attitude or actions. It can be a cause of discomfort for the person getting "hinky" and the person giving "hinky" as the person giving "hinky" is likely to say "Are you getting 'hinky' on me?" and of course this banal exchange could go on for several minutes. Multiply this by 6 billion and you can see the negative effects of the Hinky Fever over the course of a day, week, month, year, ad nauseum.  Jason Quomasio will either get the Noble Prize or be quietly led out to pasture. It hasn't been determined whether removal of the Hinky Virus will help or hurt the species as of yet as some have speculated the everyday level of hinkiness is a kind of glue that holds us all together. Other scientists refute this as another form of the Hinky Virus itself.