Item: Area Man’s Triglycerides Flying High Above Normal. Fleek Schmivel, resident of South
Claxyon Canyon, recently was tested by Dr. Dooshman at the Inner Shitty Urgent Care and Bikini Wacks Emporium Laboratory. Schmivel was tested for a variety of conditions and all in all did pretty well scoring 8 out of 10 for life reduction vectors. He is overweight, underpaid, overeducated, out of pocket, uninsured, left-handed, with a sore anus, a split lip, a lumpy neck, and at least one hilariously misfigured ear lobe (looks like a partially circumcised pecker). After a zesty lecture from Dr. Dooshman, owner of the Medical College of Greater Huffakers, New Zealand, on the dangers of living too long and being too happy, Fleek fled the doctor's office for emergency curbside service at the CheesyGreasyEasy Does It Drive Inn Emporium and ordered the Instant Gratification Fatty Dog Burger with Extra Grease and a side of fried pork shank dry rubbed with cheetos, and to top it all off, a melted SugarDairyMilkCream sandwich-in-a-butter-tub for dessert. “Hell, why stop at tri-glycerides?”, enthused Schmivel, “I might as well go all the way for dodeca-glycerides and see how Dooshman deals on that dealio,” before ducking back into the CheesyGreasyEasy Does It Drive Inn Emporium for just one more Fatty Dog Burger “for a friend.”
