From the Department of Where a Leg Up Isn’t All it’s Cracked up to Be:
Area Leg Loses Canoe during final attempt at the Aqueous Limbo competition. UN observers remained
chillingly neutral while savoring the carnage filling their sightlines. Proud of his trim new wetsuit and cute cherry-red helmet, Lars Frybucken of Svalbard is chickenshit to get his new wetsuit wet. “It’s brand new!” said Lars. “Do you know how many krÖners went into this outfit? You think I shopped my ass off just to chase a leg in a red state?” Added fellow passive observer Hinkster de Flaverre of one of the Pyrenees, “What about our lime green tops? They’re so puffy! But what happens if they get damp?” Added the owner of said leg, after being revived in the middle of a mass river baptism slash spiritual flossathon by 7th Day Advendentists six miles downstream, “It’s so very hard to keep just your left leg poised just so above the waterline for so long. I thought I’d get a couple extra points for degree of difficulty, but I didn’t even get a thumbs up, much less a throw rope toss from the judges. Those nordically nullified scurvy riddled poltroons.”
However, further investigation revealed that everything in the above report, including the facts, was, well, wrong, and actually instead of the above drivel and nonsense what happened was Gelvin and Michael DeFreibatten of Lapland watch in mild amusement as a leg or Larry Pflugen flail down the Algonquin River in the eastern part of West Virginia, a part so far east it is hardly West anymore and who could tell and what are borders, really, and who wants to know, and why, and anyhow, Gelvin and Michael (don’t call him Mike) were standing in the shallows of the Algonquin when a leg or Mr. Pflugen came careening (in a manner of speaking) down the frothy waters of the mighty Algonquin which is becoming a popular picnic spot to enjoy death or dismemberment, whichever comes downstream first, a fact weirdly unnoticed at the local police precinct and neighborhood association, Frothy Waters Homeowners, Pdf, although and which both (which both of what?) are noted for their fealty to the local area in their precinct and that may not make sense but what is life and what is sense and can we really know it or them and feel confident of that knowing if you, or anyone else, know what that really is and do you know where your leg is right now?
