Eau Claire Defendant Cites Intelligent Design
Judy Wanamaker, accused of first degree misdemeanor assault, claimed an Unseen Hand or Spirit Force or Something Weird was responsible for a major melee knockdown catfight with neighbor Judy “Moody” Huff.
"I knew she wasn’t sleeping with my husband", explained Wanamaker, "but the combination of the love letter signed in Moody’s name, her lipstick on Harry's strange penis, and the way he, in a swampy sort of way, shrieked Moody’s name during our yearly scourge of love-making . . . the strange combination directed me to her kitchen where I linserted into her left buttock a swiss army fondue fork accessory.
“I knew nothing’s going on,” continued Wanamaker. “I have utter faith in Harry and Judy. I mean he's my husband, she's my best friend, so all I can conclude is that an Intelligent Designer arranged the evidence in such a compelling fashion to teach me a much deserved lesson in humility and love and some things I may never fully know.
“I apologize to everyone involved from the bottom of my heart. I am sorry for the pain I caused to Harry, Judy, my children and the community, and most of all, to Calvin Klein. He is such an intelligent designer.”



Homeless man refuses to work for food
Jethro Tullnitz, resident of Ponce de Leon boulevard, Anywhere, USA, proclaims, "I'm a bum and proud of it. And as they say under the Auburn Ave Bridge when the mood strikes, if I may paraphrase: Fuck you and Fuck working and Fuck the fucking do-gooders. . .but in a good and life-denying sort of way, of course. . .”
Tullnitz, who claims to have a resume “as long as a donkey’s stiff dick,” offered to appear in “meaningful or erotic independent films for a modest stipend and some decent personal grooming services.”
When asked to comment on any personal philosophy that sustained him in his endeavors, Jethro just smiled and took another swig of Thunderbird before muttering, “Trickle down, baby. Trickle down.”