Greenland Gets Pre-emptive Strike from U.S. Forces. According to General Dick Viktor of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, “This is an opportunity we can’t afford to miss. If we don’t go in now while nobody's living there, soon this unspoiled arctic wasteland will be teeming with terrorists. We gotta go in and lock it up now, or the terrorists will have already won. Retroactively in the future, I mean.” General Viktor also spoke with great affection for the lengthy American friendship with Denmark, of which Greenland is a protectorate. “They have some really great pastries, about fist-sized, typically including a cheese or fruit filling. Anyway, though they haven’t asked for it, the great Danes desperately need our help in cleaning out an area three times the size of Texas, where the president clears some really hairy brush.”

Whirled Headquarters suggests: Perhaps the bush president should use a comb on that hairy brush.

Smallest state now officially claims slightly larger name: Rhode Estuary. “This has been festering ever since George Washington lost a platoon trying to outflank the enemy by circumnavigating the state in a war dinghy,” lamented Troy Lake who lives in one of formerly-Rhode-Island’s four squatty, narrow counties. Added Cranberryville Mayor Wiley Rivers, “Visitors ask, ‘Where’s the other side of the island?’ And we have to say, ‘It’s not an island. That over there, next to Papa Nick's Diner, is Connecticut.’ It's so embarrassing.” Other names under consideration included Rhode Promontory, Rhode Bog, Rhode Under Construction and Rhode Alluvial Fan. Rhode Estuary Governor Chim Cimini admitted off the record, “This might well continue to fester up."