News of the Week

Item: Area man falls deeply and passionately in love with his old sofa. "I don't know what took me so long," gushed Romeo Boggs of Whipville, Tennessee, "She's been waiting quietly for me all this time." The love-struck Romeo spent the entire weekend in intimate collusion with his old sofa, eating, sleeping, snuffling, watching TV, putting off till next weekend what was eminently doable this weekend, and by and large acting like a soon-to-be-embalmed corpsicle, refusing to part from the genuine leatherette caress of his newfound paramour. Unable to summon the energy to entertain even the faintest whiff of self-loathing, Romeo Boggs grinned before he lost his remote "one more time" in the alluring dark spaces between the cushions of the love seat, and noted to himself, "Sometimes a man just doesn't feel like doing what he's gotta do."

From the Whirled HeadQuarters Random Inquiries Department:

1.] 

These words are both homonyms and antonyms:

Balm

&

Bomb

2.]

If some people are named Frances, 

how come some other people are not named 

Spains, Mongolias, Kenyas or Laoses?

3.]

The proper concession to the digital age 

is to quit doing things in real time.

This is a great place to parse Kierkegaard 

while enjoying a sauna.

Mom, Skidaway Island, Georgia

by Calvin Burgamy