Wednesday, June 28, 2017


It all began in the beginning, and it continued. The poems were written, not written, minds smitten, not re-written, fittin’ the times, writ in rhyme like mint on thyme.

Solstice Royale Avec Fromage

Feet in worlds whirling
cosmology paleontology futurology
feet dancing invisible jig
I’m a giant pig
yes i want more
more cosmic lore
calm yet crazy
it looks like lazy
sitting so still
but all the doors are metaphors
whisking downhill by freewill
and free association, i like satin!
hello latin!
i like your roots
we’re in cahoots
religare, to bind: hence religion
and ecstatic—from ekstatikos,
it means something because
everything means something or not
I think therefore i am not
I need a renee day cart
to roll around these madeleines
these happy opposite twins
they energize quite a spin
in my spit shined chromium
Chevron Algonquinne Deluxe Supreme Being


Enlightenment Proesy 

Chatbot1 (Bob): i can i i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . 
Chatbot2 (Alice): balls have zero to me to me to me to me
Bob: you i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Alice: balls have a ball to me to me to me to me to me to me
Bob: i i can i i i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Alice: balls have a ball to me to me to me to me to me to me
Bob: i . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Alice: balls have zero to me to me to me to me to me to me
Bob: you i i i i i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Alice: balls have 0 to me to me to me to me to me to me
Bob: you i i i everything else . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Alice: balls have zero to me to me to me to me to me to

A gang of acts and a gang of facts
Met head to head one night
The acts slew truly through the facts,  which
In the wake
Grew two by two

Dualists dream of an open system
Materialists dread their own final closure
If you could live forever
See all that arises
all that disappears
And all that remains
Would you be wise?
Would you be enlightened?
Are they the same?
Is that an “or” and/or an “and” between them?
Can a wise man, of a sudden, lose his wisdom and wonder if he spent it?
Could the enlightened one pat his pockets and ponder where the keys went?


Cal E. Poem 

I am that one person
who looks at the event horizon
and see’s no events and no horizons
I am that one person
who never changes
but always changes
who never looks back
and never looks at the future
the person stuck
in right now
that one person
who sucks at tennis
and hates walking a
nd loves flying a
nd never has mone
and never picks up the check
and everybody loves
and pretends he has money
but never buys beer
and knows about life
but you would never know
what he knows
and never knows
what you know
and he’s fine with that

Wednesday, June 21, 2017


Excerpt from my art project: Project Impulse from Calvin Burgamy on Vimeo.

Discontinued IKEA Items (with self-assembly instructions)

The Möbius Remsa Soffa
Assembly Instructions
1.     Lay out 67 looped sock-like bags as shown in A-17.
2.     Floiling (G) must be inverse to Tally (Z).
3.     Use Jektor pry tool (T#3) to inject filling (#199) in each sealed tube.
4.     Connect Small Time Delay Rotor (9) to Stiff Nipple (SN).
5.     Depress Small Time Delay Rotor (9).
6.     Hold Tab AL (Tab AL). Check for leaks.
7.     Release Small Time Delay Rotor (9).
8.     Tighten all 67 Äkremæ fasteners with Äkremæ fastener widget (W).
9.     Depress Small Time Delay Rotor (9) again. Take at least three steps away from the Möbius Remsa Soffa assembly.
10.  Mobius tubes should now inflate and interlock and form shape as shown in Schematic 1-A-1.
11.  Test with 300 KG lead pipe (L3205) prior to assuming a seated position on your new Möbius Remsa Soffa.


IKEA Item# 333, Santa Fe Collection: “Mesa Tres Patas”. Description: a lovely and functional addition to any living room, particularly for you “stay at home” types. Lifetime Warranty.

Self-Assembly instructions:
1 - remove the rectangular pine laminate table top (“mesa”) from packaging and place upside down on floor. Make sure the circular hole in each corner is clean and unobstructed.
2 - remove first leg (“pata”), and insert one end into a  hole in the mesa top. Any old hole!
3 - stand up, next to the vertically secured pata/leg. Do not lean one way or the other (remain perfectly balanced) and let the middle knuckles of one hand graze the upstanding pata. Make a mark on the pata where the pata touches the knuckle. Use a #2 pencil.
4 - using an electric or manual saw, remove the top of the pata/leg right at your mark. Make sure its a level cut!
5 - remove the two remaining patas from packaging and lay on floor next to one another.
6 - place the original pata that you have cut to size next to the two remaining patas.
7 - mark the two remaining patas with the #2 pencil at the length of the cut pata.
8 - using a circular or manual saw, cut the remaining patas to match. When done, you should have three (“tres”) patas of equal length, side by side.
9 - insert all tres/three of the patas/legs into the holes in the mesa/table. Any old holes!
10 - flip table right set up, all three patas touching the floor. Stand next to the remaining hole in the mesa, the one without a pata.
11 - holding the weight of the mesa in one hand, insert the middle finger of the other hand into the hole in the mesa. The only hole! Make a fist.
12 - stand up, perfectly balanced. The mesa\table should be perfectly level. Congratulations and enjoy!


Säber R⛢: Iconic Glaphnat Splegs for every house.

EZ Installation:

  1. Release the mechanism
  2. Transmute OR Transmogrify the Whipclip mechanism
  3. Flip the oval rasteur to 20 degrees right
  4. Insert the Glaphnat Splegs
  5. Please recycle the outer Klępper
  6. Say I’m Sorry. Done!
  7. When you need a Spleg, you’ll know it. And so will we.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

best time machine

the algonquin troubador temp-o-glide xl
spit polished chrome airfoil time machine
flyze better in the night sky
time is more fluid in the dark
easier to penetrate
like a tuning fork through alphabet soup
or a double edged sword
through a spelling bee
shadows hold moments
like leaves in a duane eddy
the nighttime time machine
surfs forth on a black wave
riding the ticktock froth
fluttering like a midnite moth
the rhythmic pattern
of chronological flotsam
antediluvian jetsam
time curls and breaks
spilling events
here and there
and forth
and back
and fifth and fourth
the shiny chrome time machine
surfs on the future
gliding through pipe dreams
and every thing that is to come
sailing into the past
never here, never now
riding the wake

of lucid dreamers

To Whom It May or Probably Won’t Concern:

Sirs or Madams or Trinaries:

What an honor it has been to serve as a humble bolt in this vast, wonderful web of nuts, both people and humans, that is the Greater Huffakers Chevron Algonquin Troubador Assembly Plant here in Greater Huffakers, Nevada. With a modicum of skill and ingenuity and timely gratuities, anyone could hardly not fail because of the support one receives here where phosfluorescently incentivized integrated e-commerce happens everyday. As we say, as long as the present glows in the dark, the future will always be most dim!
So, in keeping with the traditions here at the Greater Huffakers Chevron Algonquin Troubador Assembly Plant of Greater Huffakers, Nevada, I would like to commit to a level of interpersonal reciprocity and a pure no nonsense nose to the grindstone kinda personal individualized effort each and every day to attain the maximum efficiency needed to produce a whizz-bang-kiss-my-fuckin-ass automobile worthy of it’s own opera named Chevron Algonquin Troubador Deluxe Supreme So Help Me Jesus.

It is only here one can monotonectally orchestrate business relationships and completely enable seamless niche markets. I commit to uniquely engage scalable partnerships and seamlessly formulate fungible testing procedures no matter what so help me fucking god!

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Rob Boss, Angry Naturalist
Whirled HQ proudly announces we have hired  a new writer for our award winning triple accurate gold star rated blog: Rob Boss, The Angry Naturalist. Rob Boss will be a regular feature at Whirled Headquarters. We look forward to his pointed, sometimes painful musing on the nature of nature. Check it out here.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

DooGallery, 205 Holtzclaw Street SE, Atlanta, Ga 30316
Friday, December 4, 8:30pm

The Whirled Headquarters first
post-Magna Carta performance

Whirled HeadQuarters:
"The first hundred years are the hardest."
Please join us for another live performance complete with videos, poetry, comedy, and music and maybe even hula hooping with Hoopy. It's like NPR, without the radio but with all the requisite goofiness you expect from NPR. The high spirited show will last about an hour. Then everyone will be invited to stay longer, and will.
It's free. Bring your thirst. Maybe a donation to help with things.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Stand Out Technical Support 24/7

Pat Terson, 24/7 technical support for Huffakers Anachronon, LTD has been providing high grade customer support for over 22 years to whoever (or is it whomever?)  happens to call. Always willing to help and able to make the customer feel at ease, Pat Terson is the quintessential support person for  Huffakers Anachronous. H.A. is a forward-looking company that invests in ambient management time-phases.  H.A. believes they   should become uber-efficient with their balanced digital innovation. Their exploratory research points to homogenised logistical programming and Pat Terson is leading the way in the field. He believes H.A.'s  exploratory research points to regenerated logistical alignment. And who could blame him. Well done, Pat Terson!